The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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