That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
