Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
