Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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