dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
