FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
