I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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