so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
