Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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