you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
