Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
420 ftw
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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