I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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