I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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