two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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