Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
