I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
