Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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