A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
