I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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