I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
