I just pynch a tree in the face
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
