She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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