I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
