Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
