Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
