so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
