mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
