Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
