Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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