good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
