Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
