Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
