i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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