sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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