it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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