drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
