this just has baby written all over it
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
