I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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