I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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