I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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