How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
