just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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