I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
