I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
