I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
