it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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