so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
