Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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