Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
