Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
