Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So many bounce houses so little time
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
