Texts From Last Night · tracilynne40's Favorites

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(778): View more from British Columbia

About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back

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(270): View more from Kentucky

True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(573): View more from Missouri

What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

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(631): View more from New York

I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.

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(716): View more from New York

You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage

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(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!

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(+61): View more from Australia

If tits could talk, mine would be bragging

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour

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(323): View more from California

Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?

(1-323): View more from California

Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(601): View more from Mississippi

This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.

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(727): View more from Florida

My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(315): View more from New York

My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff

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(954): View more from Florida

Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.

(954): View more from Florida

I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?

(1-954): View more from Florida

A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think

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(613): View more from Ontario

You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(214): View more from Texas

Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now

(503): View more from Oregon

Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea

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(240): View more from Maryland

it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick

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(828): View more from North Carolina

remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.

(270): View more from Kentucky

No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.

(618): View more from Illinois

Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.

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(+61): View more from Australia

one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.

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(720): View more from Colorado

We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.

(970): View more from Colorado

Oooh, he sounds pretty classy

(720): View more from Colorado

Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(229): View more from Georgia

He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out

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(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment

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(210): View more from Texas

Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....

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(303): View more from Colorado

so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???

(1-303): View more from Colorado

all of the above

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Happy you have kids and I don't day!

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."

(1-208): View more from Idaho

Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.

(208): View more from Idaho

......... Poor kitty

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(330): View more from Ohio

No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(775): View more from Nevada

Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....

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(270): View more from Kentucky

he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(620): View more from Kansas

We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.

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(416): View more from Toronto

arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

(647): View more from Ontario

Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

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(925): View more from California

We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up

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(954): View more from Florida

Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(936): View more from Texas

I AM VODKA MAN

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(330): View more from Ohio

As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.

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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

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(317): View more from Indiana

My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low

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(209): View more from California

Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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(701): View more from North Dakota

ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO

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(561): View more from Florida

They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?

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(347): View more from New York

My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.

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(917): View more from New York City

She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.

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(619): View more from California

I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff

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(905): View more from Ontario

thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin

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(815): View more from Illinois

We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable

(303): View more from Colorado

thermos full of jaeger bombs?

(720): View more from Colorado

Affirmative

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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(530): View more from California

I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

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(707): View more from California

The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(248): View more from Michigan

we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

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(914): View more from New York

Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.

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(616): View more from Michigan

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.

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(916): View more from California

I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(317): View more from Indiana

sex in a tree stand. check.

(765): View more from Indiana

you lucky bastard

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(218): View more from Minnesota

At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra

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(302): View more from Delaware

On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

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(229): View more from Georgia

I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.

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(727): View more from Florida

Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.

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(773): View more from Illinois

What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night

(212): View more from New York

Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate

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(714): View more from California

If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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(509): View more from Washington

My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.

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(561): View more from Florida

I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.

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(951): View more from California

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?

(843): View more from South Carolina

Maybe

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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(912): View more from Georgia

thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"

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(310): View more from California

Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.

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(458): View more from Oregon

I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.

(350): View more from

You are my idol.

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